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Just want to write down my thoughts..... Nothing in particular and no real title.....

Where do I start? Life has been so insane lately, with all the changes that I'm making. All in effort to better myself. I have been trying to find myself the last two years. Not that I was going through identity crisis but it was an end of a very significant relationship and when it was over I was unhappy and lonely. So many emotions ran through me and I need to change because I wasn't satisfied with myself anymore. I knew that to ever be in another relationship, that I needed to figure out what makes me happy, my needs, wants and what I could offer to another person.

So I went natural and cut off all my hair that was once past my shoulders and sworn off relaxers and any chemicals. I switched religions (decision that is much more than an ended relationship), I let go of some unhealthy friends, moved to a new place, and just refreshed myself. After all of theses changes I can say that I'm much happier especially spiritually. Life is so full of ups and downs! These past few years I've experienced more downs that anything else but I understand that God has a plan for me and I hold a purpose....

I have a greater understanding of basic self-worth. No one can love you more than you love your-self regardless of you faults and insecurities. I know what I want and I'm not willing to settle for anything less. That means in all aspects of my life. Friends, potential boyfriends and all must fit the goals and aspirations that I have for myself. I want a man that will be open, honest, respectful, be a christian and educated! I want friends that will support me, help to guide me and are on the same level as me relatively financial, spiritually and mentally. The path that I am on will lead into endless positive possibilities and hopefully, wealth and an outstanding reputation...

So I want all of this from other people and you must be thinking, then what do you have to offer me. I have always been a blunt and honest person and I will continue to be that way. I am also a great listener, objective, supportive. Lastly, because I can stand on my own two feet, I can help you stand if you ever needed the help. I have been granted peace, peace when faced with adversity and peace through all obstacles!

With that said I do not partake in drama or he/she say. I do not engage in childish games and I never have a problem confronting my aggressors. Life is so short, so why indulge in such juvenile things that I honestly believe to take years off your life and that bring nothing but stress and negativity. I feel that I am satisfied with this blog and that's just what I was thinking and feeling tonight...... Respect!

Interpersonal attraction

Hmmm. Have you ever been attracted to someone and you couldn't have them. Not in the sense of anything sexual. But you couldn't get in their mind, analyzes them and break down their barrier? Its a challenge of getting to know someone you know nothing about but just your observations. Even which aren't much help because they are so careful with their actions. Its as if they know that any penetration into their interior could make their defenses fall.

It makes you wonder why are they so guarded. It intrigues me more to wonder who hurt you and changed you. How did she get past the surface and experience that heart of your that seems so profound and humble? My attraction to you is more than physical, its the qualities you hold. From the way you protect and support your family and beat the odds. It could also be you work ethics. I definitely know that your a God fearing man and yes that is so major and hard to find in the world we live in. An educated black man that has values, morals and ambition for himself!

If I could enter your world you would see that not all women are the same. We don't all lie and and cheat better than you. But in fact most women wait for their counterpart. A man that will be honest, communicate, remain faithful and know his role as a man. A real woman allows you to do display these traits and mirrors the positivity that I know you want and need. Just my observation. Nothing is better than being equally yoked and seeing what is in front of you. Opening up to the least expected person. knowing that you could be hurt again but trusting that I wont hurt you because I understand that your heart is as sensitive as mines.

I understand the need of a foundation and having a friendship first. Knowing and understanding all of this is still not a lead to you, or is it? I guess its part of the game of cat and mouse. People always want what they cannot have. People always work harder to accomplish an obstacle in their way. So in the end I want your friendship first then your heart! But I don't want to take it but instead for you to give it to me when your ready and willing. Trust the attraction that is more than physical hardly fails!

Its about that time...

Changes need to be made and I know that. But still I procrastinate and remain unhappy with all the negativity and immutable things in my life. I have to give myself credit though. I have started the process but you can say that I am now at a plateau. January 3, 2009 was one of the most remarkable and most lucrative decisions I have ever made. I was baptized as a Seventh day Adventist. So proud of the relationship that I have created with my lord and savior. Unfortunately I have not heeded to that relationship, among other things that are not as important as God. Small things that create a small door for the devil to play with my heart and forget this journey that I am on and the importance of staying on the right path. It was easy to give up the jewelry, observing and keeping the sabbath, going to bible studies and church events, going to church all day Saturday (lol), but those were not the important things. It was my lack of reading the word and neglecting my studies. Eating shellfish knowing that I would repent later and God would forgive me. Being in places where I know I no longer belonged since I made this so called transformation. The important things are the ones that I have not changed about myself to really consider this transformation a success. You see I love music and music can be the most dangerous vices that can work against you. The right song can arouse you sexually, make you made, happy, sad or even do something out of the ordinary! Knowing this I know i should be cautious of what I listen to and what I think I am relating to in "my favorite" song.

I know my biggest struggle are relationships that I have ended and no longer care to mend. God teaches us to love our neighbors like we love ourselves and I have yet to forgive them in my heart. The very thing I flounder with is finding a place for people I have already dismissed out of my life. A very cold thing actually. Maybe by writing this, I will be able to tackle these obstacles in my life and not allow for time to run out on me. So its about that time that I take these matters and handle them. A dedication to myself to keep going and strengthen my defense against the one that wants to keep me down! Yes its about that time, starting with now and not later or tomorrow.......

My thoughts on him....

I miss him. I really do..... I miss the feeling of having someone you can just talk to and know that they have your back no matter what because their priority is you and your happiness. Security, companionship and the feeling of being loved are all things that was once present and he once provided. I wonder where I would be and how different my life would be if he was still an influence in my life! All good things come to pass and I have realized that time is so short and we shouldn't wait until the person is gone and absent from our lives then to share our true emotions. I have heard people say on many occasions that it is better to be late than never. I honestly believe that both are the same. What is the point of late if late is no longer effective and has lost its meaning and values. One should really cherish each moment they have and not take the simplicities of life for granted. Not even the people that come into our lives just to teach us lessons, break our heart and help us grow. I have learned of all purposes from him and although he is gone now and my heart hurts so much that it is more than emotional, its physical. At no point in time do I wish that I never met him. I learned so much of myself from the relationship. Knowing what I want and need. The true meaning of love and communication. My biggest mistake, I still pay for today. I never told him how I felt and I never truly showed it. So when the end was near and desperation settled in hearing wait I love you... did nothing for someone who's heart was confused and already given up. For someone who's mind was already made up! Some one else is always ready to take your place! Welcome to life and reality... So I end with this "Dance like no one's watching, love like you'll never be hurt, sing like no one's listening, live like it's heaven on earth" by William Purky.