Interpersonal attraction

Hmmm. Have you ever been attracted to someone and you couldn't have them. Not in the sense of anything sexual. But you couldn't get in their mind, analyzes them and break down their barrier? Its a challenge of getting to know someone you know nothing about but just your observations. Even which aren't much help because they are so careful with their actions. Its as if they know that any penetration into their interior could make their defenses fall.

It makes you wonder why are they so guarded. It intrigues me more to wonder who hurt you and changed you. How did she get past the surface and experience that heart of your that seems so profound and humble? My attraction to you is more than physical, its the qualities you hold. From the way you protect and support your family and beat the odds. It could also be you work ethics. I definitely know that your a God fearing man and yes that is so major and hard to find in the world we live in. An educated black man that has values, morals and ambition for himself!

If I could enter your world you would see that not all women are the same. We don't all lie and and cheat better than you. But in fact most women wait for their counterpart. A man that will be honest, communicate, remain faithful and know his role as a man. A real woman allows you to do display these traits and mirrors the positivity that I know you want and need. Just my observation. Nothing is better than being equally yoked and seeing what is in front of you. Opening up to the least expected person. knowing that you could be hurt again but trusting that I wont hurt you because I understand that your heart is as sensitive as mines.

I understand the need of a foundation and having a friendship first. Knowing and understanding all of this is still not a lead to you, or is it? I guess its part of the game of cat and mouse. People always want what they cannot have. People always work harder to accomplish an obstacle in their way. So in the end I want your friendship first then your heart! But I don't want to take it but instead for you to give it to me when your ready and willing. Trust the attraction that is more than physical hardly fails!

Its about that time...

Changes need to be made and I know that. But still I procrastinate and remain unhappy with all the negativity and immutable things in my life. I have to give myself credit though. I have started the process but you can say that I am now at a plateau. January 3, 2009 was one of the most remarkable and most lucrative decisions I have ever made. I was baptized as a Seventh day Adventist. So proud of the relationship that I have created with my lord and savior. Unfortunately I have not heeded to that relationship, among other things that are not as important as God. Small things that create a small door for the devil to play with my heart and forget this journey that I am on and the importance of staying on the right path. It was easy to give up the jewelry, observing and keeping the sabbath, going to bible studies and church events, going to church all day Saturday (lol), but those were not the important things. It was my lack of reading the word and neglecting my studies. Eating shellfish knowing that I would repent later and God would forgive me. Being in places where I know I no longer belonged since I made this so called transformation. The important things are the ones that I have not changed about myself to really consider this transformation a success. You see I love music and music can be the most dangerous vices that can work against you. The right song can arouse you sexually, make you made, happy, sad or even do something out of the ordinary! Knowing this I know i should be cautious of what I listen to and what I think I am relating to in "my favorite" song.

I know my biggest struggle are relationships that I have ended and no longer care to mend. God teaches us to love our neighbors like we love ourselves and I have yet to forgive them in my heart. The very thing I flounder with is finding a place for people I have already dismissed out of my life. A very cold thing actually. Maybe by writing this, I will be able to tackle these obstacles in my life and not allow for time to run out on me. So its about that time that I take these matters and handle them. A dedication to myself to keep going and strengthen my defense against the one that wants to keep me down! Yes its about that time, starting with now and not later or tomorrow.......

My thoughts on him....

I miss him. I really do..... I miss the feeling of having someone you can just talk to and know that they have your back no matter what because their priority is you and your happiness. Security, companionship and the feeling of being loved are all things that was once present and he once provided. I wonder where I would be and how different my life would be if he was still an influence in my life! All good things come to pass and I have realized that time is so short and we shouldn't wait until the person is gone and absent from our lives then to share our true emotions. I have heard people say on many occasions that it is better to be late than never. I honestly believe that both are the same. What is the point of late if late is no longer effective and has lost its meaning and values. One should really cherish each moment they have and not take the simplicities of life for granted. Not even the people that come into our lives just to teach us lessons, break our heart and help us grow. I have learned of all purposes from him and although he is gone now and my heart hurts so much that it is more than emotional, its physical. At no point in time do I wish that I never met him. I learned so much of myself from the relationship. Knowing what I want and need. The true meaning of love and communication. My biggest mistake, I still pay for today. I never told him how I felt and I never truly showed it. So when the end was near and desperation settled in hearing wait I love you... did nothing for someone who's heart was confused and already given up. For someone who's mind was already made up! Some one else is always ready to take your place! Welcome to life and reality... So I end with this "Dance like no one's watching, love like you'll never be hurt, sing like no one's listening, live like it's heaven on earth" by William Purky.

Love

What is the meaning of love and how does one truly express such an expression that is not easy to comprehend! See I loved this man since the day I saw him. He was a little taller than me, 5"7 to be exact, dark,very defined features and had such a laid back attitude that it drew me in completely. This man swept me off my feet! The way he danced with me. The electric feeling that ran through my body when he kissed me and it was crazy how safe I felt with his hand on the small of my back as I walked! This man loved God and respected his mother! I'm thinking to myself that this man is the one. The analytical person I am I decided to ask him his take on love before I told him all my heart desired. He told me he did not know the true meaning of love, therefor he has not been in love nor does he currently think that he loves me but he deeply cares for me. One word. Damn! Love is the foundation of all good and evil things, true. So he calls everyday just to hear my voice because he cares and not loves. Invests in our future because he cares. I see, but at what time does this turn into love. When did I care for you turn into I deeply care for you and into I love you. Three words that most people die and have never heard those words said to them! Were they happy,functional,and were they able to give the love they never received? One must think what is the meaning of love and how do express such an emotion that can not be explained nor comprehend! The word love bring nothing more than question that go unanswered. You tell me what your take on love?

My Heart.....

My heart can't take anymore of this pain, any more of this dimming light. As the fire burns out I think of all the good times and everything that made me love you. Its as simple as just the way you stood. Head high, broad shoulders, pure confidence..... Attraction at its best! What happened in between that time when I was your queen, your best friend, your companion. Now I'm reduced to not even your friend. My heart, my every emotion is wrapped in you! You and I are not more and I have to admit that my foundation is shaken and my sense of security is gone. What do I do with my spare time that was once spent with you and how do I feel the void of where you used to be. My heart, my heart, my heart is calling out your name and waiting for you to mend the pieces back together. I am in such excoriating pain and as the tears fall down my cheeks, all I have are the memories of you and the feeling of how you felt the last time we touched, we kissed, we danced, we just were.... Time seemed to stand still the day you walked out of my life and it hasn't moved since! I'm starting to feel numb, to feel nothing due to lack of emotions such as happiness and love. Secluded, cold and lonely! I can no longer remember your warmth and I can't see tomorrow. Nor the dreams and goals I once had. My heart, my heart, my heart is crying for help and my soul is dying. I'm consumed by the lost of you and forgot about me. I have forgotten how to live and to survive! Who am I and where is my sense of self. Afraid of the openness of light, I stand in darkness withdrawn from society. The agony of moving forward! So I wait and accompany misery. I wait and lose everything! I wait and there is no me! Just my heart that gave up...