Thoughts of the complex mind and solicitous heart

Sooooo

2009-12-20T12:38:00.000-05:00

Its been a long time since I last blogged! Not that I don't have anything to say all of sudden but I've been that busy!!! My life lately has been consumed with work and that has been stressing me to the max.... I remember when I was in college and all I worried about was my next paper and what everyone was up to in the student lounge! I would love to be back to being carefree and just stress less. Nowadays all I'm concerned with is foreclosure packages, financial solutions and debt consolidation! UUUUggghhh, trust me no one wants to deal with the procedures, paper and the clients all together.
All in all I am grateful in one aspect is that no matter how stress I've been, God has still been a force in my life. Time and time again he just comes through and showes his mercy! Can I get an Amen on that!

Is this really me???

2009-08-28T00:01:00.004-04:00

DEFINITELY RED

Congratulations, YVRANTZ, you are a RED personality. The Core Motivation that drives you through life is "Power". Power means the ability to get things done, to go from A to B as quickly and directly as possible. The word power was derived from the Old French poeir meaning "to be able." Often what is perceived by the other colors as insensitive is simply a pragmatic sense of urgency to accomplish a given task.

As a RED you naturally seek productivity and want others to see you as intellectually strong. As REDS want their own way, you like to be in the driver's seat and are willing to pay the price to be in a leadership role even in an intimate relationship. However, you can get frustrated when your partner cannot think for himself or make intelligent decisions on his own. As a RED, you tend to value whatever gets you ahead in life, whether it is at work, school, or in your personal relationships. What you value, you get done. You may be a workaholic and enjoy it!. You will, however, resist being forced to do anything that doesn't interest you.

As a RED, YVRANTZ, you like to be right. You value approval from others for your intelligence and solution-based, pragmatic style. You want to be respected even more than you want to be loved, and you appreciate admiration for your logical, practical mind.

So I took a personality test called the color code. It basically asked me questions all about my childhood and from my young adult life. What do you think? Is this me as you know it???

Learning To Move On

2009-08-23T13:56:00.004-04:00

There is a time for everything in life. A time to live and to die! In between that time we love, experiment, we gain and lose things! Its a always changing and how do we embrace these changes and how open are we to season as they change? I find that it is so easy to get attached to the good things in life so it is hard for us to let go when its time has come and ended. A heart desire can surpass the reality of the mind and cause an internal battle in decisions and conflicts. I have that issue because my heart speak so loud that I cannot think! My heart usually wins and then my heart gets broken and a whole chain of events follow...

Learning to know when its time to move on is a choice within itself. I have loved this man for so long! Two and half years to be exact. Nothing has changed these feeling! Not his departure from our relationship, lies, disregard for my feelings or the simple fact that he has moved on and is in a new relationship. I have been waiting for time to erase him from my heart but my heart is stubborn and cannot let go of the feeling and my mind is stuck on the memories of the past. At this moment, this very second my hurt is growing colder and the light is dimming as my mind takes over and reality sets in. I have learned many things and this is the very reason why people come into our lives. To teach us and to help us grow whether their presence was a positive or negative one. Women do understand that if man wants to be with you nothing can stop him from doing so and like wise if a man does not want to be with you then nothing I mean nothing can/will make him! Not having his child, lying, deception or anything else that the devil can encourage you with. Just let go and let God.

Now I wonder if true love exist and if my soul mate is out there. Sometimes we, I am so sure that this man is the one for me but God has someone else in mind for me and you. The irony of the situation is that we never let go of the past and the things that are no longer relevant to us so we miss what the future holds. Life is about change, unfairness, trials and tribulations. Life is also about love, friendship, family, children, and all the things that support us. Learn with me as I understand that I have to embrace the bad with open arms like I embrace the good. Smile through the obstacles and prevail through this so called life. This is not something that is easy and can be done alone. I need God to show me the way, I need Jesus to show me the salvation in the end, I need my Father God to hold and carry me when I can't and in the end only he has the unconditional love for me that not even I have for him.

A sadden heart is a dangerous heart! A feeling that can compromise the heart into doing actions that are not good for the body or soul. Ask him (God) for strength and for joy! You see happiness comes and goes and is unstable like the blows but Joy from God is everlasting! But we so frail seek happiness and temporary things and so therefor we are easily disappointed, easily fall and lose sight of our purpose! I have lost the sight of that and cannot repair my heart alone! Its already colder than before and I have less hope in man and less desire to love another man and that man. Circumstances has changed my views and I am moving on. I am not alone, although I forgot about my ultimate provider, comforter and friend. He has never left my side and for that I have to put my whole being in never forgetting him.

Moving on is not an easy process but a necessary one and the wise know this. So as I embrace this aspect of change and leading with my mind and not heart we shall see where this journey ends.......

A letter in regards to Black Men Dating White Women!

2009-08-05T22:50:00.000-04:00

I’m sorry but I would like to challenge some of your Black male readers. I am a White female who is engaged to a Black male-good-looking, educated and loving. I just don’t understand a lot of Black female’s attitudes about…
… our relationship. My man decided he wanted me because the pickings amongst Black women were slim to none. As he said, they were either too fat, too loud, too mean, too argumentative, too needy, too materialistic or carrying too much excess baggage. Before I became engaged, whenever I went out I was constantly approached by Black men, willing to wine and dine me and give me the world. If Black women are so up in arms about us being with their men, why don’t they look at themselves and make some changes. I am tired of the dirty looks I get and snide remarks when we’re out in public. I would like to hear from some Black men about why we are so appealing and coveted by them. Bryant Gumbel just left his wife of 26 years for one of us, Charles Barkley, Scottie Pippen, the model Tyson Beckford, Montell Williams, Quincy Jones, James Earl Jones, Harry Belafonte, Sydney Poitier, Kofi Anan, Cuba Gooding Jr., Don Cornelius, Berry Gordy, Billy Blanks, Larry Fishburne, Wesley Snipes… I could go on and on. But, right now, I’m a little angry and that is why I wrote this so hurriedly. Don’t be mad with us White women because so many of your men want us. Get your acts together and learn from us and we may lead you to treat your men better. If I’m wrong, Black men, let me know.

Disgusted White Girl, Somewhere in VA

Now peep this intelligent brother’s response…

I would like to respond to the letter written by A Disgusted White Girl. Let me start by saying that I am a 28-year old black man. I graduated from one of the most prestigious universities in Atlanta, Georgia with a Bachelor of Arts Degree in Business Management. I have a good job at a major corporation and have recently purchased a house. So, I consider myself to be among the ranks of successful black men. I will not use my precious time to slander white people. I just want to set the record straight of why black men date white women. Back in the day, one of the biggest reasons why black men dated white women was because they were considered easy.
The black girls in my neighborhood were raised in the church. They were very strict about when they lost their virginity and who they lost it to. Because of our impatience to wait, brothers would look for someone who would give it up easy without too much hassle. So, they turned to the white girls. Nowadays, in my opinion, a lot of brothers date white women because they are docile and easy to control. A lot of black men, because of insecurities, fears, and overall weaknesses, have become intimidated by the strength of our black women. We are afraid that our woman will be more successful than us, make more money than us, drive nicer cars and own bigger houses. Because of this fear, many black men look for a more docile woman. Someone we can control. I have talked to numerous black men and they continuously comment on how easy it is to control and walk over their white women. I just want to set the record straight. I want A Disgusted White Girl to know that not all successful black men date white women.
Brothers like Ahmad Rashad, Denzel Washington, Michael Jordan, Morris Chestnut, Will Smith, Blair Underwood, Kenneth “Babyface” Edmonds, Samuel L. Jackson, and Chris Rock all married strong black women And, to flip the script, there are numerous white men, in and out of the spotlight, who openly or secretly desire black women over white women. Ted Danson, Robert DeNiro, and David Bowie to name a few.
I just don’t want a disgusted white girl to be misinformed. Stop thinking that because you are white that you are some type of goddess. Remember, when black Egyptian Queens like Hatsepshut and Nitorcris were ruling Dynasties and armies of men in Egypt,
you were over in the caves of Europe eating raw meat and beating each other over the head with clubs. Read your history! It was the black woman that taught you how to cook and season your food. It was the black woman that taught you how to raise your children. It was black women who were breast feeding and raising your babies during slavery.
It is the black woman that had to endure watching their fathers, husbands, and children beaten, killed, and thrown in jail. Black women were born with two strikes against them: being black and being a woman. And, through all this, Still They Rise! It is because of the black women’s strength, elegance, power, love and beauty that I could never date anyone except my black Queen. It is not just the outer beauty that captivates and draws me to them. It is not the fact that they come in all shapes, sizes, colors and shades that I love them. Their inner beauty is what I find most appealing about black women. Their strong spirit, loving and nurturing souls, their integrity, their ability to overcome great obstacles, their willingness to stand for what they believe in, and their determination to succeed and reach their highest potential while enduring great pain and suffering is why I have fallen in love with black women.
I honestly believe that your anger is geared more toward jealousy and envy more so than snotty looks. If this were not so, then why do you continuously go to tanning salons to darken your skin? If you are so proud to be white, then why don’t you just be happy with your pale skin? Why do you continue to inject your lips, hips, and breasts with unnatural and dangerous substances so you can look fuller and more voluptuous?
I think that your anger is really a result of you wanting to have what the black woman has. BOTTOM LINE: If I were looking for a docile woman, someone I can walk over and control, I would give you a call. But, unfortunately, I am looking for a Virtuous Woman. Someone that can be a good wife and mother to my children. Someone who can be my best friend and understands my struggles. I am looking for a soul mate. I am looking for a sister and; unfortunately, you do not and CANNOT fit the bill.
No offense taken, none given.
Signed, Black Royalty

Free Style

2009-07-23T20:41:00.004-04:00

Just want to write down my thoughts..... Nothing in particular and no real title.....

Where do I start? Life has been so insane lately, with all the changes that I'm making. All in effort to better myself. I have been trying to find myself the last two years. Not that I was going through identity crisis but it was an end of a very significant relationship and when it was over I was unhappy and lonely. So many emotions ran through me and I need to change because I wasn't satisfied with myself anymore. I knew that to ever be in another relationship, that I needed to figure out what makes me happy, my needs, wants and what I could offer to another person.

So I went natural and cut off all my hair that was once past my shoulders and sworn off relaxers and any chemicals. I switched religions (decision that is much more than an ended relationship), I let go of some unhealthy friends, moved to a new place, and just refreshed myself. After all of theses changes I can say that I'm much happier especially spiritually. Life is so full of ups and downs! These past few years I've experienced more downs that anything else but I understand that God has a plan for me and I hold a purpose....

I have a greater understanding of basic self-worth. No one can love you more than you love your-self regardless of you faults and insecurities. I know what I want and I'm not willing to settle for anything less. That means in all aspects of my life. Friends, potential boyfriends and all must fit the goals and aspirations that I have for myself. I want a man that will be open, honest, respectful, be a christian and educated! I want friends that will support me, help to guide me and are on the same level as me relatively financial, spiritually and mentally. The path that I am on will lead into endless positive possibilities and hopefully, wealth and an outstanding reputation...

So I want all of this from other people and you must be thinking, then what do you have to offer me. I have always been a blunt and honest person and I will continue to be that way. I am also a great listener, objective, supportive. Lastly, because I can stand on my own two feet, I can help you stand if you ever needed the help. I have been granted peace, peace when faced with adversity and peace through all obstacles!

With that said I do not partake in drama or he/she say. I do not engage in childish games and I never have a problem confronting my aggressors. Life is so short, so why indulge in such juvenile things that I honestly believe to take years off your life and that bring nothing but stress and negativity. I feel that I am satisfied with this blog and that's just what I was thinking and feeling tonight...... Respect!

Interpersonal attraction

2009-07-20T23:01:00.003-04:00

Hmmm. Have you ever been attracted to someone and you couldn't have them. Not in the sense of anything sexual. But you couldn't get in their mind, analyzes them and break down their barrier? Its a challenge of getting to know someone you know nothing about but just your observations. Even which aren't much help because they are so careful with their actions. Its as if they know that any penetration into their interior could make their defenses fall.

It makes you wonder why are they so guarded. It intrigues me more to wonder who hurt you and changed you. How did she get past the surface and experience that heart of your that seems so profound and humble? My attraction to you is more than physical, its the qualities you hold. From the way you protect and support your family and beat the odds. It could also be you work ethics. I definitely know that your a God fearing man and yes that is so major and hard to find in the world we live in. An educated black man that has values, morals and ambition for himself!

If I could enter your world you would see that not all women are the same. We don't all lie and and cheat better than you. But in fact most women wait for their counterpart. A man that will be honest, communicate, remain faithful and know his role as a man. A real woman allows you to do display these traits and mirrors the positivity that I know you want and need. Just my observation. Nothing is better than being equally yoked and seeing what is in front of you. Opening up to the least expected person. knowing that you could be hurt again but trusting that I wont hurt you because I understand that your heart is as sensitive as mines.

I understand the need of a foundation and having a friendship first. Knowing and understanding all of this is still not a lead to you, or is it? I guess its part of the game of cat and mouse. People always want what they cannot have. People always work harder to accomplish an obstacle in their way. So in the end I want your friendship first then your heart! But I don't want to take it but instead for you to give it to me when your ready and willing. Trust the attraction that is more than physical hardly fails!

Its about that time...

2009-07-20T21:52:00.003-04:00

Changes need to be made and I know that. But still I procrastinate and remain unhappy with all the negativity and immutable things in my life. I have to give myself credit though. I have started the process but you can say that I am now at a plateau. January 3, 2009 was one of the most remarkable and most lucrative decisions I have ever made. I was baptized as a Seventh day Adventist. So proud of the relationship that I have created with my lord and savior. Unfortunately I have not heeded to that relationship, among other things that are not as important as God. Small things that create a small door for the devil to play with my heart and forget this journey that I am on and the importance of staying on the right path. It was easy to give up the jewelry, observing and keeping the sabbath, going to bible studies and church events, going to church all day Saturday (lol), but those were not the important things. It was my lack of reading the word and neglecting my studies. Eating shellfish knowing that I would repent later and God would forgive me. Being in places where I know I no longer belonged since I made this so called transformation. The important things are the ones that I have not changed about myself to really consider this transformation a success. You see I love music and music can be the most dangerous vices that can work against you. The right song can arouse you sexually, make you made, happy, sad or even do something out of the ordinary! Knowing this I know i should be cautious of what I listen to and what I think I am relating to in "my favorite" song.

I know my biggest struggle are relationships that I have ended and no longer care to mend. God teaches us to love our neighbors like we love ourselves and I have yet to forgive them in my heart. The very thing I flounder with is finding a place for people I have already dismissed out of my life. A very cold thing actually. Maybe by writing this, I will be able to tackle these obstacles in my life and not allow for time to run out on me. So its about that time that I take these matters and handle them. A dedication to myself to keep going and strengthen my defense against the one that wants to keep me down! Yes its about that time, starting with now and not later or tomorrow.......

My thoughts on him....

2009-07-06T01:30:00.003-04:00

I miss him. I really do..... I miss the feeling of having someone you can just talk to and know that they have your back no matter what because their priority is you and your happiness. Security, companionship and the feeling of being loved are all things that was once present and he once provided. I wonder where I would be and how different my life would be if he was still an influence in my life! All good things come to pass and I have realized that time is so short and we shouldn't wait until the person is gone and absent from our lives then to share our true emotions. I have heard people say on many occasions that it is better to be late than never. I honestly believe that both are the same. What is the point of late if late is no longer effective and has lost its meaning and values. One should really cherish each moment they have and not take the simplicities of life for granted. Not even the people that come into our lives just to teach us lessons, break our heart and help us grow. I have learned of all purposes from him and although he is gone now and my heart hurts so much that it is more than emotional, its physical. At no point in time do I wish that I never met him. I learned so much of myself from the relationship. Knowing what I want and need. The true meaning of love and communication. My biggest mistake, I still pay for today. I never told him how I felt and I never truly showed it. So when the end was near and desperation settled in hearing wait I love you... did nothing for someone who's heart was confused and already given up. For someone who's mind was already made up! Some one else is always ready to take your place! Welcome to life and reality... So I end with this "Dance like no one's watching, love like you'll never be hurt, sing like no one's listening, live like it's heaven on earth" by William Purky.

Love

2009-06-11T22:43:00.001-04:00

What is the meaning of love and how does one truly express such an expression that is not easy to comprehend! See I loved this man since the day I saw him. He was a little taller than me, 5"7 to be exact, dark,very defined features and had such a laid back attitude that it drew me in completely. This man swept me off my feet! The way he danced with me. The electric feeling that ran through my body when he kissed me and it was crazy how safe I felt with his hand on the small of my back as I walked! This man loved God and respected his mother! I'm thinking to myself that this man is the one. The analytical person I am I decided to ask him his take on love before I told him all my heart desired. He told me he did not know the true meaning of love, therefor he has not been in love nor does he currently think that he loves me but he deeply cares for me. One word. Damn! Love is the foundation of all good and evil things, true. So he calls everyday just to hear my voice because he cares and not loves. Invests in our future because he cares. I see, but at what time does this turn into love. When did I care for you turn into I deeply care for you and into I love you. Three words that most people die and have never heard those words said to them! Were they happy,functional,and were they able to give the love they never received? One must think what is the meaning of love and how do express such an emotion that can not be explained nor comprehend! The word love bring nothing more than question that go unanswered. You tell me what your take on love?

My Heart.....

2009-06-09T22:56:00.002-04:00

My heart can't take anymore of this pain, any more of this dimming light. As the fire burns out I think of all the good times and everything that made me love you. Its as simple as just the way you stood. Head high, broad shoulders, pure confidence..... Attraction at its best! What happened in between that time when I was your queen, your best friend, your companion. Now I'm reduced to not even your friend. My heart, my every emotion is wrapped in you! You and I are not more and I have to admit that my foundation is shaken and my sense of security is gone. What do I do with my spare time that was once spent with you and how do I feel the void of where you used to be. My heart, my heart, my heart is calling out your name and waiting for you to mend the pieces back together. I am in such excoriating pain and as the tears fall down my cheeks, all I have are the memories of you and the feeling of how you felt the last time we touched, we kissed, we danced, we just were.... Time seemed to stand still the day you walked out of my life and it hasn't moved since! I'm starting to feel numb, to feel nothing due to lack of emotions such as happiness and love. Secluded, cold and lonely! I can no longer remember your warmth and I can't see tomorrow. Nor the dreams and goals I once had. My heart, my heart, my heart is crying for help and my soul is dying. I'm consumed by the lost of you and forgot about me. I have forgotten how to live and to survive! Who am I and where is my sense of self. Afraid of the openness of light, I stand in darkness withdrawn from society. The agony of moving forward! So I wait and accompany misery. I wait and lose everything! I wait and there is no me! Just my heart that gave up...

Fear

2009-06-06T09:03:00.003-04:00

Fear is one of the most power emotions! Fear is an emotion that God did not instill in us but that we formulated on our own with the devils help. We allow this feeling to consume our lives and paralyze our actions. We all have experience fear at one point in time but most of us live in constant fear.It makes us less willing to trust, to communicate openly, and to take risks, that could forever change our lives. Because I was afraid of rejection I didn't approach the guy I was feeling and tell him that I found him attractive and I want to get to know him. I was afraid of losing my boyfriend so I lied about the situation in question. I was afraid of what people would think so I didn't do what was best for me. I was afraid so I did not apply to the school that best fits my needs.

The fear of rejection,hurt,and obstacles are the direct cause to our failures. Fear is an emotional response to threats and danger. It is a basic survival mechanism occurring in response to a specific stimulus, such as pain or the threat of pain. We fear what will be the result and don't think about the restrictions we on ourselves. What are you afraid of ? Can you overcome that fear? Have you asked God for his strength and courage? Do that today and see the difference!

Dear God I am afraid to let people get close and to express how I feel about them. I am afraid to keep loving and caring because I have been very hurt in the past. I am afraid that at times it is hard for me to forgive and forget. So at this moment God I need you to be present in my heart and for you to show me how to extinguish this fear and to live my life forthrightly and full of zeal. At one time i was afraid to say what i was afraid of. But the closer I get to you the less I stand in my own way! Amen

Deuteronomy 31:6

“Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, not be afraid...for the

Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee,

nor forsake thee.”